Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Leap Day 2012
Quickie entrie for this special day. Good appetite after a refreshing gym session. Dropped by Popular and MPH bookstores unplanned. Skipped the massive traffic jam by anticipating it and taking alternative routes home. Phew :) Goodbye, Leap Day, and see you again 4 years from now.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Cheerful Smile
Twelve years ago, in New York City, an acquaintance commented that when I smile, it lights up the whole room. Today, someone mentioned "Cheerful like you" and it brought back memories of me smiling genuinely with both eyes and face. Someone believes I can get back my cheer factor. There's still hope in the midst of all this madness.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Mid-February 2012 Update
Now it's the middle of February and time to update this blog. The past couple of months have been tumultous, to say the least. I wish I had better news to tell, but it wasn't meant to be. Tons of disillusionment and bad feelings came together at once. It's been many years since I last felt this way. And it's not something easy to talk about.
People say "time will heal". I don't know how long that'll take in my case. From personal experience, a lot of things that worked with other people don't work for me. The disconnect is something not easily described or explained. What works for other people doesn't necessarily work for me and vice versa.
On the bright side, the few people truly close to me are doing well and I'm happy for them. At least I know they have succeeded to a great extent. As for me, I can't say the same. All I can say is that I made some wrong choices and paid the price of losing my happiness, optimism, and cheer factor. I need to get these three things back, somehow.
Any changes? Yes, in some ways. I gave up a hobby I used to enjoy even during times of trouble and stress. This hobby sustained my sanity during a time of great uncertainty and loneliness. Not anymore. Now it only brings back memories of disappointment, failure, and heartbreak. I told myself I shall not go and participate in it unless either one of two conditions are fulfilled. Condition One is fulfillable but not in my hands. Chances of Condition Two being fulfilled are less than me winning the lottery. As long as neither condition is fulfilled, I'm not going.
There's also a certain type of event which many people look forward to, but I told myself I won't go for it this year. For this one, I would make some exceptions, depending on the people involved and whether going there would remind me of disappointment, failure, and heartbreak or not. I see one upcoming exception I'll make, but as for the others chances aren't so high.
And if anyone is wondering what I'm talking about here, well, only those who really know me would know. Those who don't, won't. Alright that's all folks for today. "Have a great weekend peeps" (quote borrowed from someone I used to know, but no longer keep in touch).
[Note: No Cantonese version for this post. I've neither the time nor the energy to create/think/compose/do up the Cantonese translation. Drained.]
People say "time will heal". I don't know how long that'll take in my case. From personal experience, a lot of things that worked with other people don't work for me. The disconnect is something not easily described or explained. What works for other people doesn't necessarily work for me and vice versa.
On the bright side, the few people truly close to me are doing well and I'm happy for them. At least I know they have succeeded to a great extent. As for me, I can't say the same. All I can say is that I made some wrong choices and paid the price of losing my happiness, optimism, and cheer factor. I need to get these three things back, somehow.
Any changes? Yes, in some ways. I gave up a hobby I used to enjoy even during times of trouble and stress. This hobby sustained my sanity during a time of great uncertainty and loneliness. Not anymore. Now it only brings back memories of disappointment, failure, and heartbreak. I told myself I shall not go and participate in it unless either one of two conditions are fulfilled. Condition One is fulfillable but not in my hands. Chances of Condition Two being fulfilled are less than me winning the lottery. As long as neither condition is fulfilled, I'm not going.
There's also a certain type of event which many people look forward to, but I told myself I won't go for it this year. For this one, I would make some exceptions, depending on the people involved and whether going there would remind me of disappointment, failure, and heartbreak or not. I see one upcoming exception I'll make, but as for the others chances aren't so high.
And if anyone is wondering what I'm talking about here, well, only those who really know me would know. Those who don't, won't. Alright that's all folks for today. "Have a great weekend peeps" (quote borrowed from someone I used to know, but no longer keep in touch).
[Note: No Cantonese version for this post. I've neither the time nor the energy to create/think/compose/do up the Cantonese translation. Drained.]
Sunday, January 22, 2012
No Mood To Celebrate 冇心情慶祝
Today is the day before Chinese New Year in the Gregorian Year 2012. I should be feeling happy, right? Yet I'm not. Unlike the festive seasons of a few years ago, somehow this year I don't feel like celebrating anything. Not even the most recent Christmas and New Year.
I don't know if this is a temporary setback or a state of regression. I do remember that some years ago there was a time when celebrations and festivals meant nothing to me. Because I was very down and hurting inside due to certain issues. Then came a point when my life changed for the better and I started celebrating again, looking forward to each festival.
Even as "recent" as two years ago I was happy to celebrate. I felt optimism and eagerness. But was it due to ignorance? In the two years after that, I went through some disasters. That really caused deep hurt not of the physical type but rather the inner type. I don't think I've fully recovered while I'm writing this blog post.
The wise say, when you have to move on, move on. Yet there's something about me that holds me back. It's sentimentality and the memories still fresh in mind.
Some who talk to me, manage to help somewhat, a few who do, end up making things worse. That's why I rather not talk to some people. As the saying goes, those who really know you, know you; those who don't, don't know any better.
今日係除夕。應該開心嗎，呵？不過唔係喎。唔係好似幾年前嘅節日，今年我乜都唔想慶祝。正話過咗嘅聖誕節同埋公曆新年都冇慶祝到。
我唔知呢個情況係暫時或者真係退步。我記得幾年前有一段時間乜嘢乜嘢節日慶祝對我冇意思。嗰陣時我好傷心好激心為咗幾件事。然後我嘅生活變好咗，有啲事情有進步，所以開始慶祝每個節日。
兩年前我仲係好開心慶祝。覺得有樂觀有熱心。但係。。唔通我真係無知？最近嘅兩年，我面對唔少災難。整到我好痛，唔係肉體上嘅痛，係內心嘅痛。而家寫緊呢個部落格發佈嘅時間，我好似未好嗮。
有智慧嘅人講：唔好再鑽牛角尖。但係有啲嘢我仲係過唔到。係感傷同埋好清楚嘅記憶。
有啲人同我傾偈，可以幫到，幾個噉樣做，點知呢就越整越衰。所以呢，一啲人我唔想同佢哋講嘢。嗰啲真係識得我就會了解我，嗰啲唔識嘅呢，唔會識。
*NOTE: In case of any discrepancy between the English and the Cantonese version of this blog post, the English version shall prevail. I'm not good at expressing myself in Cantonese or any form of Chinese, written or spoken. / 如果英文版及中文（廣州白話）版有任何差異，一切以英文版為準。我唔係好識用廣州白話或者任何中文嘅語言，無論係話或者文。
I don't know if this is a temporary setback or a state of regression. I do remember that some years ago there was a time when celebrations and festivals meant nothing to me. Because I was very down and hurting inside due to certain issues. Then came a point when my life changed for the better and I started celebrating again, looking forward to each festival.
Even as "recent" as two years ago I was happy to celebrate. I felt optimism and eagerness. But was it due to ignorance? In the two years after that, I went through some disasters. That really caused deep hurt not of the physical type but rather the inner type. I don't think I've fully recovered while I'm writing this blog post.
The wise say, when you have to move on, move on. Yet there's something about me that holds me back. It's sentimentality and the memories still fresh in mind.
Some who talk to me, manage to help somewhat, a few who do, end up making things worse. That's why I rather not talk to some people. As the saying goes, those who really know you, know you; those who don't, don't know any better.
今日係除夕。應該開心嗎，呵？不過唔係喎。唔係好似幾年前嘅節日，今年我乜都唔想慶祝。正話過咗嘅聖誕節同埋公曆新年都冇慶祝到。
我唔知呢個情況係暫時或者真係退步。我記得幾年前有一段時間乜嘢乜嘢節日慶祝對我冇意思。嗰陣時我好傷心好激心為咗幾件事。然後我嘅生活變好咗，有啲事情有進步，所以開始慶祝每個節日。
兩年前我仲係好開心慶祝。覺得有樂觀有熱心。但係。。唔通我真係無知？最近嘅兩年，我面對唔少災難。整到我好痛，唔係肉體上嘅痛，係內心嘅痛。而家寫緊呢個部落格發佈嘅時間，我好似未好嗮。
有智慧嘅人講：唔好再鑽牛角尖。但係有啲嘢我仲係過唔到。係感傷同埋好清楚嘅記憶。
有啲人同我傾偈，可以幫到，幾個噉樣做，點知呢就越整越衰。所以呢，一啲人我唔想同佢哋講嘢。嗰啲真係識得我就會了解我，嗰啲唔識嘅呢，唔會識。
*NOTE: In case of any discrepancy between the English and the Cantonese version of this blog post, the English version shall prevail. I'm not good at expressing myself in Cantonese or any form of Chinese, written or spoken. / 如果英文版及中文（廣州白話）版有任何差異，一切以英文版為準。我唔係好識用廣州白話或者任何中文嘅語言，無論係話或者文。
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Last Day of 2011 / 2011最後一日
Today's the last day of 2011 and in less than six hours the new year 2012 shall begin. There goes another solar cycle to be replaced by another. Yet I'm not in a very celebratory mood, for the past two years 2010 and 2011 have not given me great reason to celebrate. Still can't achieve that happy optimistic feeling at Port Dickson on the last day of 2009.
Certain circles and activities don't appeal to me as much as they did before. Perhaps the time is overdue to move on to other more productive, rewarding, fulfilling tasks. Indeed it's a Sisyphean task to get that thing called achievement.
Those who care might have noticed I hardly talk these days. True, but a lot of things are better left unsaid, for saying it brings no benefit to anyone, and might even complicate matters.
Anyway, wishing whoever comes across this posting a Happy New Year 2012 and Happy Holidays wherever you are! See you next year.
今日係2011年最後一日，仲有少過六個鐘頭就係公曆嘅新年2012。 咁就過咗一個太陽活動週期。只不過我唔係好想出去慶祝呢個大日子，點解呢？前兩年2010＆2011冇俾到我一個好理由點解要慶祝。到而家仲未能夠得到2009最後一日嘅興奮，真係冇嗰個樂觀嘅感覺。
有些組人同埋活動不再吸引我嘅興趣。也許時間到咗，係要轉去做其它比較多滿意以及有獎勵回報嘅嘢。真係好緊要難得到一啲些少嘅成就。
邊個有理我嘅，可能注意到我近來好少講話。真嘅，有好多嘢最好唔可以講出嚟，因為講咗都冇用，幫唔到邊個，然後整埋嗰件事更加複雜。
無論如何，我要祝福大家公曆2012新年快樂！仲有，要玩得開心啲呀！明年再見。
Certain circles and activities don't appeal to me as much as they did before. Perhaps the time is overdue to move on to other more productive, rewarding, fulfilling tasks. Indeed it's a Sisyphean task to get that thing called achievement.
Those who care might have noticed I hardly talk these days. True, but a lot of things are better left unsaid, for saying it brings no benefit to anyone, and might even complicate matters.
Anyway, wishing whoever comes across this posting a Happy New Year 2012 and Happy Holidays wherever you are! See you next year.
今日係2011年最後一日，仲有少過六個鐘頭就係公曆嘅新年2012。 咁就過咗一個太陽活動週期。只不過我唔係好想出去慶祝呢個大日子，點解呢？前兩年2010＆2011冇俾到我一個好理由點解要慶祝。到而家仲未能夠得到2009最後一日嘅興奮，真係冇嗰個樂觀嘅感覺。
有些組人同埋活動不再吸引我嘅興趣。也許時間到咗，係要轉去做其它比較多滿意以及有獎勵回報嘅嘢。真係好緊要難得到一啲些少嘅成就。
邊個有理我嘅，可能注意到我近來好少講話。真嘅，有好多嘢最好唔可以講出嚟，因為講咗都冇用，幫唔到邊個，然後整埋嗰件事更加複雜。
無論如何，我要祝福大家公曆2012新年快樂！仲有，要玩得開心啲呀！明年再見。
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Quit 退出
Found the following while browsing through some old notes. When, where, and who shall not be stated.
我摷緊啲舊紙嗰陣時就搵都呢啲嘢。幾時，邊度，同埋邊個， 我唔會講。
-----
On this day, I did what I should have done long ago. I quit as per stated procedure in an orderly manner. In my heart I already knew there's no way I can survive here. No point forcing myself to be somewhere where I'm already disliked, cursed at and thought of in a negative light. I sense the daggers in the air pointing at me like invisible weapons ready to drop at any time.
I should feel some relief. Yet I don't feel it.
今日我做咗我好耐以前應該做嘅嘢。我跟規矩好好地地離開呢個地方。喺我心目中我已經知道冇辦法可以喺呢度再行落去。係好唔值得監自己繼續喺個地方嚟俾人睇衰，俾人屌，仲係俾人講衰添。我感受到空中有好多好多尖刀等著時間嚟插穿我全身。
而家應該放心。但係唔會覺得噉樣喎。
-----
我摷緊啲舊紙嗰陣時就搵都呢啲嘢。幾時，邊度，同埋邊個， 我唔會講。
-----
On this day, I did what I should have done long ago. I quit as per stated procedure in an orderly manner. In my heart I already knew there's no way I can survive here. No point forcing myself to be somewhere where I'm already disliked, cursed at and thought of in a negative light. I sense the daggers in the air pointing at me like invisible weapons ready to drop at any time.
I should feel some relief. Yet I don't feel it.
今日我做咗我好耐以前應該做嘅嘢。我跟規矩好好地地離開呢個地方。喺我心目中我已經知道冇辦法可以喺呢度再行落去。係好唔值得監自己繼續喺個地方嚟俾人睇衰，俾人屌，仲係俾人講衰添。我感受到空中有好多好多尖刀等著時間嚟插穿我全身。
而家應該放心。但係唔會覺得噉樣喎。
-----
Exams 考試
Now it seems like every day is exam day. Everything's subject to pop quiz. The only way to face it is to prepare well.
而家我覺得日日都係好似考試噉樣。每一個嘢會重突擊測驗。唯一個方法面對呢件事就係預備好好。
而家我覺得日日都係好似考試噉樣。每一個嘢會重突擊測驗。唯一個方法面對呢件事就係預備好好。
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Going Overseas (Over The Sea) 出國 (過海)
Back in February I predicted that I'd go "overseas" (as in over the sea) three (3) times this year. It's now November and I went "overseas" five (5) times. Three times within the same country, twice to foreign countries. For the foreign countries, one's considered ancestral country and the other a neighbouring country.
Actually going to Sabah/Sarawak can be considered "overseas" because to get there one must cross the sea. Back in college I used to joke with friends about why can't we take the bus to Sarawak. The bus can only go as far as Kuantan, it can't cross the South China Sea. Unless it turns into a waterbus?
二月嗰陣時我預咗我今年會過海三次。而家十一月，已經過海五次。三次國內，兩次國際。關於去外國，一個係祖國，一個係鄰國。
其實去沙巴/砂勞越可以算係 "overseas" 因為要過海先到。我喺學院讀書時候有同朋友講笑點解唔可以搭巴士去砂勞越。巴士最遠去到關丹，唔能夠過南海。唔通變成水巴士？
Actually going to Sabah/Sarawak can be considered "overseas" because to get there one must cross the sea. Back in college I used to joke with friends about why can't we take the bus to Sarawak. The bus can only go as far as Kuantan, it can't cross the South China Sea. Unless it turns into a waterbus?
二月嗰陣時我預咗我今年會過海三次。而家十一月，已經過海五次。三次國內，兩次國際。關於去外國，一個係祖國，一個係鄰國。
其實去沙巴/砂勞越可以算係 "overseas" 因為要過海先到。我喺學院讀書時候有同朋友講笑點解唔可以搭巴士去砂勞越。巴士最遠去到關丹，唔能夠過南海。唔通變成水巴士？
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